Into the Rabbit Hole ...

Dear Dodger,  I can’t believe you are gone. I wake up and expect to see you lying next to my bed or sitting looking at me because the baby is crying and you want me to get him and take care of him. I can’t bring myself to vacuum up your fur that still clings to my couch and sits in tufts on the floor. Yesterday when I ran with Jax along the trail, I felt you with me. I kept looking at my left side, expecting to see your sleek athletic body, muscles working, running and pulling me. You always pulled no matter what - even when you had to wear a gentle leader. Always wanting to go faster, your enthusiasm could not be contained. Even though I couldn’t see you physically there, and wished to have just a glimpse of you, I felt your presence. It’s like you are with me right now as write this. If I turn away from the screen you will be right next to me lying in the sunshine, ready for whatever we are doing next. But I dare not turn around because I would rather dream of you there then...

I thrive when I have things to do. A schedule, something to accomplish, things to check off my mental list. I feel like the most ungrateful person because here I am struggling with the day to day of what do we do next. A summer at home with my kids. We went to the beach yesterday - we are going to the beach today. For someone who likes to move and have places to be it seems more stressful to me than anything else. Especially since in a month some major things are happening. Like my son is going to kindergarten. My daughter is starting preschool. A major volunteer role I'm doing is going to be in full swing. But for now. The waiting. And the pressure to enjoy every minute. Because this is the last time I have my kids at home without having to have at least one of them at school everyday. I keep thinking about it. And so of course, I decided I'm going to paint their bathroom and the horribly ugly pink claw foot tub another color. All in one day. The other day I organized my 3...

Dear Mamas, For me this is the Monday morning of spring break. For you it may just be another Monday and you may be completely not affected by school schedules yet. What if this week we had a choice?  A choice to let love be the loudest voice. Ultimately, we are really the ones who decide whether or not we are going to thrive in motherhood rather than merely surviving. It may not seem like that when love is not the loudest voice. When all the other crap weighs us down. When are not only desperately physically and emotionally needed constantly by our children but at the same time are attacked by the negativity of our mind. When we are so physically tired but then are not being kind to ourselves. Comparing ourselves to other moms in a negative way. Thinking other moms are better than us or that we are in adequate. We must try harder. Or how about worrying that something terrible will happen to our children unless we are completely aware and prepared for any situation? Or some of u...

Shalom means "peace with you." As a mom of two young children, the state of Shalom is on my mind. It begs the question of - when I am my own boss - at home with two young kids and my husband why do I feel the least bit of Shalom? I am more likely like a constant state of "stress with you" while I hurriedly try to keep everything up to a certain standard. Rush here. Rush there. Buy this. Buy that. Check Facebook. Clean. Get stressed and frazzled by my two year old throwing yet another tantrum. The thing is I know these tantrums are coming. I know she is two. I know there is going to be messes to clean. I am responsible for feeding my family, being present with my kids all the while seeming to pull it off to the world without a hitch. Like a Boss. But what if all that mattered was Shalom? What if my only mission was to love? This week I focused on spring cleaning. Spring cleaning of my mind. I got rid off self imposed expectations, stress, comparison, and over f...

The other day I was feeling especially grinchy. Standing in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher for the tenth time that day, it dawned on me Christmas is only for children...and men. A feeling of bitterness, exhaustion and pressure crept over me as I crammed another sippy cup into the cupboard. It's up to me - the mom - to pull off Christmas. And since my kids are 2 and 4 - well it had better be magical. I wasn't exactly feeling magical. You know, the whole family, just yesterday were in the throws of the stomach flu and I'm pretty sure our elf, Sandy, brought it from the north pole and infected us all with his obnoxious Christmas germs. So here I am mad at Christmas, because I've discovered December is a month of the year where moms need to put it in overdrive. The normal day to day doesn't go away. Now, I've got to decorate, move that elf, shop, bake cookies, design, address and mail Christmas cards, see Santa... I began to feel even more rotten. Then I utt...

Dear fellow Americans, Yesterday I woke up singing "sister suffragette" with misty eyes.  "Cast off the shackles of yesterday  shoulder to shoulder - into the fray!" Not because I love Hillary Clinton. Because of the historical significance that she was even on the ballot. That the idea a woman could run for president won't be a fairy tale to my children. As I sat on the brown corduroy couch in my predictably blue state I watched state after state shock the news as it came up bright red. Friends, history is alive right now. We are the American people and the generation experiencing this shift in paradigm today. How are we going to respond? Susan B. Anthony's grave was covered with women's "I voted" stickers yesterday.  I don't think Susan B. Anthony would leave the country if she was alive today. Did she leave the country or threaten to when she was arrested for illegal voting? Did Rosa Parks try to leave the country after s...

Last week I found out some really hard news about my daughter. In my gut, I always knew certain parenting strategies wouldn't work for her like they did for my son. Everyone with more than one kid knows that. But more often than not, there are some pretty challenging as well as amazing quirks my daughter has which makes her incredibly unique. It seemed pretty clear to me my daughter has a speech delay. Not uncommon. However, the speech therapist also diagnosed her with something called sensory processing disorder. All of her behaviors I had thought which make her very adventurous, unique, stubborn, strong willed and creative are categorized under this disorder.  Something about the term "disorder" really bothered me which is why it was so hard to hear. Of course no parent wants their child to struggle, but I shirked away from so quickly putting a label on my 2 year old. The positive side to knowing she possibly has SPD is I already have gained some really positive...

I started my role as a mother with very different lenses than I have now. A different perspective I guess you would say. I would say, for me, being a mom transformed  forced me to change. I mean really change. I remember looking at my red faced newborn little boy and being so overwhelmed with love and joy and knowing what our little life would be like. How perfect it would be. What a great mother I would be. I envisioned going to all his little sports games, volunteering in all of his classes, and before that strolling down the sidewalk with a cute stroller, baby, and fashionable diaper bag. Ready to meet my mob of mom friends and their sweet babies.  As a self proclaimed extroverted perfectionist I felt ready to tackle this new role and life as a stay at home mom like never has been done before!  But, seriously, there is a major problem with being a perfectionist and a mother at the same time. The two cannot co exist in any healthy sort of way. Or any sort ...

Ok you guys. I went to Disneyland with my kids (2 and 4) BY MYSELF. Yes I am completely insane. But to my shock it has been done -successfully. On the morning of August 30th I awoke realizing we had nothing on the calendar. Of course I had loads to do but there was nothing official we had to go to. I realized today is the last day of summer where we could just lounge around the house all day in our pjs or.... go to Disneyland! We are fortunate enough to live in southern California so we can just hop up the freeway and go to Disneyland no big deal.. right? Now I know many of you carefully plan your trips to Disney from what to pack, when the kids will nap, what attractions and rides you will go on etc. And I realize this has much to do with my personality being   crazy  spontaneous. However I decided (at the last minute nature lent itself well to this) to be a Disney minimalist. So here's how I did Disney with two kids under 5 without losing my mind, without another adult...

You know how there are those days where there seems to be a theme persisting? Like there's something that I keep getting banged on the head that I need to pay attention to for some particular reason. Yesterday was one of those days. It started with an ambitious early morning jog with the two year old in the single stroller which is always a treat compared to the 100+ lb load of both kids in the ball and chain   double stroller. I love to think on my runs and writing and running go hand and hand for me. I felt like I was in a slump and had no other material to say about life, but then suddenly this phrase popped into my mind Stronger does not mean more perfect. Strong does not equal perfect. I am getting stronger - but I am not getting more perfect. In fact, last night's dishes are still in the sink. The kitchen and my house are far from perfect. But I am getting stronger. I am out running and breathing the fresh morning air. This realization kept bugging me througho...

The cool thing about little kids is that each milestone, each new year they are doing something so new and so different! Things change so much and so fast. And with each blessed birthday comes new happy things - like writing letters and new challenges .... challenges which are of a whole new arena. So in one week (to the day) experience of mothering a 4 year old I made some observations for surviving and even having successfully happy (mostly) days with my new teenager- I mean preschooler. 1. It is really a super big deal little sister got to pick her toothbrush color first out of the toothbrush two pack Ok - I've always known choices are a big deal, especially related to siblings and especially related to who goes first etc. etc. But the level of emotional catharsis at age 4 is thus far unsurpassed. I never knew how offensive having to have the green toothbrush really is and how it can cause a 30 minute delay to a fun outing..... 2. Suddenly I live with a super sleuth I...

Mommy guilt - the feeling you get when you do something logical or even feel something other than happy, thankful or patient. From the moment the first child is born, moms start feeling the mommy guilt. I know I did. A lot of it has to do with "shoulds" and comparing myself to other moms and babies. Or I should say my perceptions of other moms and babies. Looking back to the first month of mommy-hood - I wondered, "Were other moms feeling so overwhelmed?" "Did other moms ever look at their baby and feel at a loss rather than constantly consumed with love?" "Are other moms not enjoying breast feeding too?" Well unless you have a community of honest mom friends (which is hard to have from the start) all there is to look at is social media, advertising, and women in public. I realize not everyone reading this is a neurotic, text book first born perfectionist. These parts of myself translated into mega mommy guilt. I didn't think other moms...

You guys - do you ever have those mommy days where you just want to QUIT? The kids are fighting and I have no idea who started it. Is the two year old is legitimately crying because her brother hit her with a light saber or because she wants said light saber and he won't give it to her? Or when I step outside for a minute to water plants and come back in to find a pile of poop and puddle of pee all spread down the hallway from a certain two year old. And I just keep talking about how gross it is and then feeling worse about her having to listen to me complain. I take a break from playing super heroes and bad guys in the fire station to attack an immense pile of laundry on my bed and the four year old flips out yelling I never play with him. Time for a mommy time out. As both children are grabbing at me and whining I leave my house and sit on my front lawn. I can hear them whining and wailing something or other from the front yard and I realize our little world is very aud...

So we don't own any toy guns - we have two toy weapons by my estimation. A bow with soft tipped arrows and a miniature light saber which came with a Darth Vader build a bear. Both of those weapons are currently confiscated. My kids only watch Disney movies and PBS. And much to my dismay Paw Patrol.  So why is it that before dinner time I have been punched in the face (by accident), shot with "chemical fire", shot with a gun constructed by legos, and also obliterated by the "fastest ship ever with super mega guns that only breaks if someone on board has to go poop." Oh and the time I'm innocently brewing coffee in the kitchen? Out pops a little boy with a toy axe waving above his head saying "HI MOMMY!" He might as well said " HERE'S JOHNNY!! " Man it's a rough day.  And I'm not even going to mention all of the harm which has befallen a little sister and her baby dolls who are constantly napping and getting bo...

I recently read a New York Times article: " Why men want to marry Melanias and raise Ivankas." The article went on to criticize Melania and Donald Trump for how their roles in their marriage are regarding their children. Melania changed all of the baby's diapers and would get up with the baby at night and Donald would have nothing to do with that. I suppose readers are to be shocked and disgusted with how the chore of raising a baby was so unequally divided in the Trump household. (However I highly doubt Melania didn't have hired help as well...but I digress.) However, Trump praises his daughter Ivanka for not only being a champion at motherhood but also a successful businesswoman. The article goes on to say in addition to changing diapers, Melania only had a skin care and jewelry line. Oh and also was a super model.  So what's a mom like me to take away from this article? Well, I don't change diapers anymore, mostly pull ups whenever my 2 year old decides...

I lied to my 2 year old daughter today. Sometimes with kids it's easier to just lie - and it happens so quickly. Like for example, when they recently stayed at a hotel with me for the first time in their lives, I told them the TV does not work at hotels until you take a shower.  It just kind of came out. And they believed it and then continued to explain to their father on the phone how amazing this hotel is and did he know the TV doesn't work unless you take a shower first??  Well this particular post really hits home for me and I can't seem to get over it. I'm not sure if I did the right thing and part of me wants to go back to the whole scenario and change my answer! Well here's the story... I am at a Disney outlet store with both of my kids. A 3 and 2 year old. Instantly I am regretting my decision of even being in this half Star Wars half princess land but alas here we are as I am negotiating with both of them and looking at price tags.  The...

So you guys I started reading the book No Greater Love by Mother Teresa. The beginning is all about prayer and how important it is. There is this great quote by Saint Augustine, "Fill yourself up first, then only will you be able to give to others." Awesome. I love quotes like these. It's all like permission for me to go to the spa, go out with my friends, go for long runs (alone) and do anything that "fills me up." Jackpot. Next time husband asks why I need to go shopping I can site St. Augustine.  But then I read more and what Mother Teresa wants me to do is to fill myself up in times of prayer.  Ok - so guys I'm going to (as one of the high school students I used to work with said) "keep it 100." Which means keep it real. Which means telling you all how I pray.  Here are my deep and moving prayers to the Lord:  "Lord help me with this child" usually said over said child who gets more angry after I say it.  ...

Within the 30 minutes between my husband calling me and saying he's coming home from work to when he got home things went down. What I mean is for some reason my almost 4 year old decided he wanted to test every fiber of my being. You know the feeling when you are standing in the kitchen making dinner and everything just seems way too easy? In other words there are no toddlers or preschoolers yelling, crying, tattling, or shooting you in the back with a nerf bow and arrow. It is silent. Except the sound of my chopping onions. It's almost too good to be true. Well, not almost-  it is too good to be true. I hold on to hope for a minute or two trying to convince myself they are quietly looking at books and playing nicely with legos somewhere over the rainbow, but I know in order to be a decent mother I must go investigate the eerie silence we know all too well. There they are sitting next to each other in our bed and as they see me enter the room, the guilty 2 and almost ...

So the funny thing is about all this hurting and worry and craziness going on in this country right now is the answer to all of it has been right in front of us all along. It's something we all know and have heard our whole entire lives. Some may have heard it more than others. Some may have only heard versions of it. The answer was written over 2,000 years ago. Over 2,000 years before the world in which we face tragic news stories all too often. A world which knew violence as well. Maybe this world was not too different from our own. The overarching similarity is our humanity. In every person is the ability to love. The answer to all of this hurting, all of this hate, and all of this fear is in the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul. And love your neighbor as yourself." The first commandment eliminates fear, fills us with peace and arms us with the bravery it takes to truly love your neighbor as yourself.  I think we...

"... one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." My almost four year old beams as he finishes reciting the pledge of allegiance he has set his determined mind on knowing. It seems so sweet and perfect right after the fourth of July celebrations. However- we are not indivisible. There is not liberty or justice for all. When our founding fathers wrote all people in the United States of America (and all people for that matter) deserve "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" in the Declaration of Independence, they found those three inalienable rights undeniable to anyone and the job of the nation is to protect them. I would even go as far to say our determination to protect each individual's life, liberty and their own personal pursuit of happiness is what drove the first Americans to declare independence in 1776. There was no liberty or justice for Alton Sterling. He was denied life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. There...