Into the Rabbit Hole ...

Mommy guilt - the feeling you get when you do something logical or even feel something other than happy, thankful or patient. From the moment the first child is born, moms start feeling the mommy guilt. I know I did. A lot of it has to do with "shoulds" and comparing myself to other moms and babies. Or I should say my perceptions of other moms and babies. Looking back to the first month of mommy-hood - I wondered, "Were other moms feeling so overwhelmed?" "Did other moms ever look at their baby and feel at a loss rather than constantly consumed with love?" "Are other moms not enjoying breast feeding too?" Well unless you have a community of honest mom friends (which is hard to have from the start) all there is to look at is social media, advertising, and women in public. I realize not everyone reading this is a neurotic, text book first born perfectionist. These parts of myself translated into mega mommy guilt. I didn't think other moms

You guys - do you ever have those mommy days where you just want to QUIT? The kids are fighting and I have no idea who started it. Is the two year old is legitimately crying because her brother hit her with a light saber or because she wants said light saber and he won't give it to her? Or when I step outside for a minute to water plants and come back in to find a pile of poop and puddle of pee all spread down the hallway from a certain two year old. And I just keep talking about how gross it is and then feeling worse about her having to listen to me complain. I take a break from playing super heroes and bad guys in the fire station to attack an immense pile of laundry on my bed and the four year old flips out yelling I never play with him. Time for a mommy time out. As both children are grabbing at me and whining I leave my house and sit on my front lawn. I can hear them whining and wailing something or other from the front yard and I realize our little world is very aud

So we don't own any toy guns - we have two toy weapons by my estimation. A bow with soft tipped arrows and a miniature light saber which came with a Darth Vader build a bear. Both of those weapons are currently confiscated. My kids only watch Disney movies and PBS. And much to my dismay Paw Patrol.  So why is it that before dinner time I have been punched in the face (by accident), shot with "chemical fire", shot with a gun constructed by legos, and also obliterated by the "fastest ship ever with super mega guns that only breaks if someone on board has to go poop." Oh and the time I'm innocently brewing coffee in the kitchen? Out pops a little boy with a toy axe waving above his head saying "HI MOMMY!" He might as well said " HERE'S JOHNNY!! " Man it's a rough day.  And I'm not even going to mention all of the harm which has befallen a little sister and her baby dolls who are constantly napping and getting bo

I recently read a New York Times article: " Why men want to marry Melanias and raise Ivankas." The article went on to criticize Melania and Donald Trump for how their roles in their marriage are regarding their children. Melania changed all of the baby's diapers and would get up with the baby at night and Donald would have nothing to do with that. I suppose readers are to be shocked and disgusted with how the chore of raising a baby was so unequally divided in the Trump household. (However I highly doubt Melania didn't have hired help as well...but I digress.) However, Trump praises his daughter Ivanka for not only being a champion at motherhood but also a successful businesswoman. The article goes on to say in addition to changing diapers, Melania only had a skin care and jewelry line. Oh and also was a super model.  So what's a mom like me to take away from this article? Well, I don't change diapers anymore, mostly pull ups whenever my 2 year old decides

I lied to my 2 year old daughter today. Sometimes with kids it's easier to just lie - and it happens so quickly. Like for example, when they recently stayed at a hotel with me for the first time in their lives, I told them the TV does not work at hotels until you take a shower.  It just kind of came out. And they believed it and then continued to explain to their father on the phone how amazing this hotel is and did he know the TV doesn't work unless you take a shower first??  Well this particular post really hits home for me and I can't seem to get over it. I'm not sure if I did the right thing and part of me wants to go back to the whole scenario and change my answer! Well here's the story... I am at a Disney outlet store with both of my kids. A 3 and 2 year old. Instantly I am regretting my decision of even being in this half Star Wars half princess land but alas here we are as I am negotiating with both of them and looking at price tags.  The

So you guys I started reading the book No Greater Love by Mother Teresa. The beginning is all about prayer and how important it is. There is this great quote by Saint Augustine, "Fill yourself up first, then only will you be able to give to others." Awesome. I love quotes like these. It's all like permission for me to go to the spa, go out with my friends, go for long runs (alone) and do anything that "fills me up." Jackpot. Next time husband asks why I need to go shopping I can site St. Augustine.  But then I read more and what Mother Teresa wants me to do is to fill myself up in times of prayer.  Ok - so guys I'm going to (as one of the high school students I used to work with said) "keep it 100." Which means keep it real. Which means telling you all how I pray.  Here are my deep and moving prayers to the Lord:  "Lord help me with this child" usually said over said child who gets more angry after I say it.  "

Within the 30 minutes between my husband calling me and saying he's coming home from work to when he got home things went down. What I mean is for some reason my almost 4 year old decided he wanted to test every fiber of my being. You know the feeling when you are standing in the kitchen making dinner and everything just seems way too easy? In other words there are no toddlers or preschoolers yelling, crying, tattling, or shooting you in the back with a nerf bow and arrow. It is silent. Except the sound of my chopping onions. It's almost too good to be true. Well, not almost-  it is too good to be true. I hold on to hope for a minute or two trying to convince myself they are quietly looking at books and playing nicely with legos somewhere over the rainbow, but I know in order to be a decent mother I must go investigate the eerie silence we know all too well. There they are sitting next to each other in our bed and as they see me enter the room, the guilty 2 and almost

So the funny thing is about all this hurting and worry and craziness going on in this country right now is the answer to all of it has been right in front of us all along. It's something we all know and have heard our whole entire lives. Some may have heard it more than others. Some may have only heard versions of it. The answer was written over 2,000 years ago. Over 2,000 years before the world in which we face tragic news stories all too often. A world which knew violence as well. Maybe this world was not too different from our own. The overarching similarity is our humanity. In every person is the ability to love. The answer to all of this hurting, all of this hate, and all of this fear is in the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul. And love your neighbor as yourself." The first commandment eliminates fear, fills us with peace and arms us with the bravery it takes to truly love your neighbor as yourself.  I think we&

"... one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." My almost four year old beams as he finishes reciting the pledge of allegiance he has set his determined mind on knowing. It seems so sweet and perfect right after the fourth of July celebrations. However- we are not indivisible. There is not liberty or justice for all. When our founding fathers wrote all people in the United States of America (and all people for that matter) deserve "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" in the Declaration of Independence, they found those three inalienable rights undeniable to anyone and the job of the nation is to protect them. I would even go as far to say our determination to protect each individual's life, liberty and their own personal pursuit of happiness is what drove the first Americans to declare independence in 1776. There was no liberty or justice for Alton Sterling. He was denied life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. There